Struggling Through Depression::Baby Steps

Baby steps.  That is how I plan to get through this.

Baby steps.  One day at a time.

Baby steps.

Since I first posted about my struggles with depression, I have had a lot of time to just "think."  Tuesday was a really tough day for me and my husband came downstairs to a blubbering mess on the couch.  He asked the basic question of what's wrong?  What can I do?  What makes you so sad?  I had no answer.  I didn't know.  That is when I realized I needed some serious time to think and pray to Jesus.  The next question he asked...will you dance with me?  I of course declined.  Nope.  Would.Not.Do.  He swept me in his arms and as we moved back and forth to no music, he whispered in my ear "I will get you through this funk.  I love you too much not to."

I have so much to live for.  I have no reason to be depressed, but yet I am.  That is the crazy thing with depression.

Baby steps.

I called my grandma, who has suffered from depression since my grandpa died.  I needed to talk to someone who truly understood.  She told me some great advice...
-do something for me.  Not something that is best for the kids or my husband.
-what makes Marianne happy.  Even if it is only ten minutes.
-yoga? crosswords?
-pray baby girl

Baby steps.

Yesterday morning I received the most loving email from Ross' grandpa.  He told me this, "Grandma and I sincerely love you and respect the person you are...You are a capable wife and mom.  You are experiencing the process all of us go through for God to mold us into the person He created us to be.  It is not a comfortable process, but a good one...I urge you to yield yourself to him and allow Him to have His way in your life.  His is always the best.  We think we can work things out, but He is better at working things into our lives."  Cue the tears.  What an amazing reminder.

Baby steps.

Here it is, now Friday.  I have had some great conversations and time to contemplate my situation, my life, my family and what I need to get through this struggle.  Depression is tough but it doesn't have to be forever.  This is what I have come up with for my baby steps:

-Pray.  I may not be involved in a church right now, but that does not change my faith in God.  When I pray, I am at peace.
-Cook.  I find joy in cooking.  I find joy in providing.
-Reading.  I love to read and this is something I would like to do more of.
-Treat myself to a hot bath.  Simple, yes!
-Surround myself with positive people who want to better my life and my situation.  Steer clear of the negativity and what makes me angry.
-Light a candle.
-Breathe.

Baby steps.

Struggling through Depression

I'm going to be honest.  The last couple of weeks have been difficult.  Blame the holidays.  Blame the pms.  I know it is so much more than that.  It is a funk that won't go away and a gray cloud that doesn't lift.

Since I had my second child three years ago, I started to receive treatment for depression.  I knew something was wrong, when I had this perfect baby boy, but I had no joy in him.  The tears would flow and the bouts of happiness were few and far between.  The medication has helped but I have hit that low spot again.  The spot with the tears and the sadness and the need for sleep.  I need to share something.  This may sound stupid, but it makes sense to me.  Being depressed, depresses me.  I am typically a very happy and optimistic person, who finds joy in crap like sunbeams and raindrops.  Right now I feel burly and I want to growl at you.  Complete opposite?  I would say so.

I have heard it all.  I know what I should be doing to get better.  Exercise, eating right, trying to find happiness in the simple things, exposing yourself to other people.  First of all...have you ever been depressed?  Then you know how DIFFICULT all of these things are.  Getting out of bed and off the couch is a struggle.  Daily tasks are a struggle.  Being social?  Please...next to impossible.  There is a sense of failure and a lack of motivation.  I feel as if I have failed my husband and my kids, when I have done nothing to generate those feelings from them.  My heart knows that.  My head doesn't.

I have faith and trust in my Lord Jesus Christ.  I do not trust the foundation of the church...sad to say.  A rough split will do that to you.  The friends that I have are fabulous, but I am not openly seeking new friends or a book club.  I would rather be myself.  I work better alone.  This doesn't make me sad.  It is just easier for me.  That is why I work from home.  That is why I blog.  I like the quiet.

Can you understand this?  Do any of you feel like this?  Let me know that I am not alone.  We are in this together.  I understand you.  I understand your tears.  You don't need to explain them to me.  Depression is hard, it is a struggle, I want to win the battle.  I plan on winning the battle.  How?  I am going to be honest with myself.  I'm going to pray.  I am going to have those tough conversations with my husband and keep open communication.  I am going to take my meds and not be ashamed of that.  I am going to love me for me.  That is all I can do.  How do you fight the struggle?

Marianne

Lacking ?

When this week started I had great aspirations for it.  I was motivated and ready to conquer the five days I had ahead with no husband!

Today is Friday and I am lacking motivation and I am looking around my house thinking....what did I do all week?  I kept the kids alive.  That's what I did.  Natalie made it to school.  Eli made it to daycare.  We had dinner every week, even though it wasn't documented in my "week four of meal planning."  Oh well.  I shouldn't feel like a failure, but I do.  Isn't that crazy?  It is so easy to be disappointed in yourself and that is what I am facing today.

Disappointment.
Depression
Sadness
No motivation, drive, or care for anything but a nap!

Sitting at the kitchen table with my cup of coffee, I felt the sudden urge that I needed some Jesus.  I opened up my devotional to today's date and this is the title...

God Knows What He's Doing

Reallly....could this be any more clear for me today!  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you for the reminder that you are in control and I am not.  Thank you for reminding me to trust you and it is ok because

"God is God.  He knows what he is doing.  When you can't trace his hand, trust his heart."  Amen to that.  Thank you Max Lucado!  Trust.  Trust in Jesus.

Goodbye to the disappointment, depression, and sadness.  I may still take the nap though!

Marianne