Struggling through Depression

I'm going to be honest.  The last couple of weeks have been difficult.  Blame the holidays.  Blame the pms.  I know it is so much more than that.  It is a funk that won't go away and a gray cloud that doesn't lift.

Since I had my second child three years ago, I started to receive treatment for depression.  I knew something was wrong, when I had this perfect baby boy, but I had no joy in him.  The tears would flow and the bouts of happiness were few and far between.  The medication has helped but I have hit that low spot again.  The spot with the tears and the sadness and the need for sleep.  I need to share something.  This may sound stupid, but it makes sense to me.  Being depressed, depresses me.  I am typically a very happy and optimistic person, who finds joy in crap like sunbeams and raindrops.  Right now I feel burly and I want to growl at you.  Complete opposite?  I would say so.

I have heard it all.  I know what I should be doing to get better.  Exercise, eating right, trying to find happiness in the simple things, exposing yourself to other people.  First of all...have you ever been depressed?  Then you know how DIFFICULT all of these things are.  Getting out of bed and off the couch is a struggle.  Daily tasks are a struggle.  Being social?  Please...next to impossible.  There is a sense of failure and a lack of motivation.  I feel as if I have failed my husband and my kids, when I have done nothing to generate those feelings from them.  My heart knows that.  My head doesn't.

I have faith and trust in my Lord Jesus Christ.  I do not trust the foundation of the church...sad to say.  A rough split will do that to you.  The friends that I have are fabulous, but I am not openly seeking new friends or a book club.  I would rather be myself.  I work better alone.  This doesn't make me sad.  It is just easier for me.  That is why I work from home.  That is why I blog.  I like the quiet.

Can you understand this?  Do any of you feel like this?  Let me know that I am not alone.  We are in this together.  I understand you.  I understand your tears.  You don't need to explain them to me.  Depression is hard, it is a struggle, I want to win the battle.  I plan on winning the battle.  How?  I am going to be honest with myself.  I'm going to pray.  I am going to have those tough conversations with my husband and keep open communication.  I am going to take my meds and not be ashamed of that.  I am going to love me for me.  That is all I can do.  How do you fight the struggle?

Marianne