I'm going to be honest. The last couple of weeks have been difficult. Blame the holidays. Blame the pms. I know it is so much more than that. It is a funk that won't go away and a gray cloud that doesn't lift.
Since I had my second child three years ago, I started to receive treatment for depression. I knew something was wrong, when I had this perfect baby boy, but I had no joy in him. The tears would flow and the bouts of happiness were few and far between. The medication has helped but I have hit that low spot again. The spot with the tears and the sadness and the need for sleep. I need to share something. This may sound stupid, but it makes sense to me. Being depressed, depresses me. I am typically a very happy and optimistic person, who finds joy in crap like sunbeams and raindrops. Right now I feel burly and I want to growl at you. Complete opposite? I would say so.
I have heard it all. I know what I should be doing to get better. Exercise, eating right, trying to find happiness in the simple things, exposing yourself to other people. First of all...have you ever been depressed? Then you know how DIFFICULT all of these things are. Getting out of bed and off the couch is a struggle. Daily tasks are a struggle. Being social? Please...next to impossible. There is a sense of failure and a lack of motivation. I feel as if I have failed my husband and my kids, when I have done nothing to generate those feelings from them. My heart knows that. My head doesn't.
I have faith and trust in my Lord Jesus Christ. I do not trust the foundation of the church...sad to say. A rough split will do that to you. The friends that I have are fabulous, but I am not openly seeking new friends or a book club. I would rather be myself. I work better alone. This doesn't make me sad. It is just easier for me. That is why I work from home. That is why I blog. I like the quiet.
Can you understand this? Do any of you feel like this? Let me know that I am not alone. We are in this together. I understand you. I understand your tears. You don't need to explain them to me. Depression is hard, it is a struggle, I want to win the battle. I plan on winning the battle. How? I am going to be honest with myself. I'm going to pray. I am going to have those tough conversations with my husband and keep open communication. I am going to take my meds and not be ashamed of that. I am going to love me for me. That is all I can do. How do you fight the struggle?
Marianne
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Holidays=Drinking
Why is it, the holidays make me want to drink? In excess?
Good question? It must be, since it is past my bedtime and that is what I am pondering at this late hour of 9:14 p.m.
It's interesting. What you say? The holidays. I love Christmas. I love the movies, the baking, the time with my kids, the snow, and the magical feeling that comes along with it. I don't really care for the hustle and bustle though. Thanksgiving is ok. Halloween is for the kids. I picture the meme of Santa saying, "Calm the F*$@! Down. It's Only October!" Well, now it is November and in a couple of days, it will be December.
Don't take this rambling the wrong way. My immediate family is a sweet side of fabulous, but when you put us all together...cue the dysfunction. As with any family, there are topics you CANNOT talk about...politics for sure (half are democrats, the other half republicans), gun control, stay away from religion, family "hot" topics. What does that leave? The kids in college with their vicarious experiences, stories about the children, the WEATHER, business, latest "fad" movies, the cousin who loves to talk about herself....
I am sure some of you will read this and think that we aren't that bad, my family will take offense and have feelings hurt. Well, I have news for you. This isn't your blog :)!
Let me put it this way. My mom and my favorite movie to watch before Thanksgiving is "Home for the Holidays."
Have you seen it? If not, you need to! Now this movie is Robert Downey Jr. PRE-PRE-PRE Iron Man trilogy. Mom and I tend to pick out which character in the movie symbolizes us. My favorite is the old aunt with the fruit loops necklace.
So, here I am on the Eve of Thanksgiving Eve with no fingernails (I chewed them off) and dreaming of my bottle of whipped cream Vodka
and being tipsy by noon! It's the best way to bake you know...half in the bag :)
While the children are coloring turkeys, I will be sipping Creamsicles and thinking that in a mere 28 days it will all be over!
Happy Thanksgiving, from my family to yours!
P.S. To all you mommas....here is my recipe for Creamsicles....
All you need is:
Ice
Whipped Cream Vodka
Sprite or Sierra Mist
Orange Juice
I do 1/3 of each beverage. Mix it to your specific tastes. Trust me, you can't even taste the vodka. This is a great party drink. Enjoy!
Good question? It must be, since it is past my bedtime and that is what I am pondering at this late hour of 9:14 p.m.
It's interesting. What you say? The holidays. I love Christmas. I love the movies, the baking, the time with my kids, the snow, and the magical feeling that comes along with it. I don't really care for the hustle and bustle though. Thanksgiving is ok. Halloween is for the kids. I picture the meme of Santa saying, "Calm the F*$@! Down. It's Only October!" Well, now it is November and in a couple of days, it will be December.
Don't take this rambling the wrong way. My immediate family is a sweet side of fabulous, but when you put us all together...cue the dysfunction. As with any family, there are topics you CANNOT talk about...politics for sure (half are democrats, the other half republicans), gun control, stay away from religion, family "hot" topics. What does that leave? The kids in college with their vicarious experiences, stories about the children, the WEATHER, business, latest "fad" movies, the cousin who loves to talk about herself....
I am sure some of you will read this and think that we aren't that bad, my family will take offense and have feelings hurt. Well, I have news for you. This isn't your blog :)!
Let me put it this way. My mom and my favorite movie to watch before Thanksgiving is "Home for the Holidays."
Have you seen it? If not, you need to! Now this movie is Robert Downey Jr. PRE-PRE-PRE Iron Man trilogy. Mom and I tend to pick out which character in the movie symbolizes us. My favorite is the old aunt with the fruit loops necklace.
So, here I am on the Eve of Thanksgiving Eve with no fingernails (I chewed them off) and dreaming of my bottle of whipped cream Vodka
While the children are coloring turkeys, I will be sipping Creamsicles and thinking that in a mere 28 days it will all be over!
Happy Thanksgiving, from my family to yours!
P.S. To all you mommas....here is my recipe for Creamsicles....
All you need is:
Ice
Whipped Cream Vodka
Sprite or Sierra Mist
Orange Juice
I do 1/3 of each beverage. Mix it to your specific tastes. Trust me, you can't even taste the vodka. This is a great party drink. Enjoy!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Thankfulness Times 30!!!
There are 30 days in November and since November also carries the holiday of Thanksgiving and massive gluttony, I thought I would write about the thirty things that I am most thankful for. I am going for the non-traditional here. Let's start with the basics and move on from there. I am thankful for:
1. My husband of 8 years. My marriage. The need I feel for him still after 13 years together. Without him I am nothing. He is my rock, my paper, and my scissors.
2. My kids. I always wanted kids. I have been blessed with the two most loving and accepting kids. They love me through my mean-mommy days and they love me through my best days. They make me want to have more good days than bad. I never thought I could love anyone so much, and then I had TWO kids. They amaze me.
3. My dog, Cinder. We rescued her a year ago from a shelter and she has been a part of this family ever since. We are not the Benzens without her. Cinder has turned my husband into a dog lover, so much so, we had our Christmas pictures taken with her. She completes our entire family. The acceptance of a dog is like nothing I have ever seen. She knows when I need a snuggle and she knows when to get out of my way. Mostly, I just want to snuggle her.
4. Candy Crush. Hell to the Yeah.
5. A good book. I am on the third Hunger Games book and I don't get a ton of time to read, so when I can't put it down...you know it is fabulous! I love to read. I love books. The smell, the sound they make when you open them, the turning of pages. So thankful for books.
6. Magazines. I subscribe to six or seven magazines. Some for me, some for the kids, some for the business. Yes, I have an iPad, but there is something about the tangible. I love that. I love the simple things still. A magazine, writing a letter to my grandma, putting in a disc in the DVD player....consider me old school 32.
7. My home. We live in an older, stucco home and she is SOLID. I generate safety from my house and "she" truly is a home.
8. Mr. and Mrs. Darwin Nelson. They started out as teachers back in High School, but I can honestly say that they are truly friends. Friends that the kids consider "GandG Nelson." Friends that I can call on when I have a question about business or life. They are friends, but more so, they are family. We love them. So thankful for the Nelsons. So thankful.
9. Snow! I love winter, I love the snow...but I hate to be cold. Let me repeat this...I HATE to be cold! I LOVE the snow though! It is so beautiful. One of the true gifts from God.
10. My brother and sister. Older and Younger and I am stuck in the Middle. I have learned so much from both of them. Very thankful for my siblings.
11. Chocolate and Coffee and Carbs and Chips and Ice Cream...I am so thankful for FOOD! I love to eat!
12. Thankful for the passion to cook and being blessed with the ability to be fairly good at it. There is no greater joy than providing for your family through food....andy my bestest friend Josh....
13. I am a stay at home mom. Everyday I get to do what I love.
14. My husband has two jobs. One full time and one part time and I guess you could consider the on-call one too! Blessed and thankful for employment!
15. HALF WAY!
16. Technology. I love TV, Movies, my computer, iPad, the kids Leap Pads...I know when to turn it off, but it is so nice to have.
17. Heat. This time of year it is the little things to be truly thankful for. My family has so much when others have so little. I am thankful for never being cold or hungry.
18. Finances. My husband and I have finally gotten a "strong-hold" over our finances over 8 years of marriage. No better feeling. No credit card debt and the truck is almost paid off. To finally have control is an amazing feeling. It took a change in attitude, but I am so thankful that we are finally there and we did it together!
19. My mom and dad. What would life be like without my mom and dad? So boring. We have weekly meals together, they are so amazingly awesome to my kids and they have never questioned it when we needed help. My mom and dad are such a gift to my family and they bring us all absolute joy. Trust me, never a dull moment when we are all together!
20. Reliable vehicles.
21. Having a husband who is blessed with the gift of song. He is so amazingly talented and I am thankful that every day I get to hear that gift. You are missing out if you haven't heard him sing. I am very biased :)
22. A college education. Yes, I am a stay at home mom, but my time at Bethel has and never will be wasted. I have a love for learning that can never be extinguished.
23. My in-laws. Always accepting and loving to myself and my family.
24. Faith. I have a faith in God that will not waver, no matter what the circumstances.
25. Friends. True friends that have stuck by me through everything. I am very guarded and choosy with who I let in my life, so to have this select few that has stuck with me, by my side...is such an amazing gift.
26. CindyBlue Designs. What would I do without my small business?
27. My grandma. There is nothing I can say that I have not already said about her. Such a truly fantastic woman, with undeniable class and grace.
28. My grandpa. He was taken too soon, but the memories I have of him live inside. So thankful for the memories.
29. Rainy Lake. Where the memories start and where the memories will end.
30. Passion. Passion for photography. Passion for love. Passion for everything I do. Passion that gets me through.
Marianne
1. My husband of 8 years. My marriage. The need I feel for him still after 13 years together. Without him I am nothing. He is my rock, my paper, and my scissors.
2. My kids. I always wanted kids. I have been blessed with the two most loving and accepting kids. They love me through my mean-mommy days and they love me through my best days. They make me want to have more good days than bad. I never thought I could love anyone so much, and then I had TWO kids. They amaze me.
3. My dog, Cinder. We rescued her a year ago from a shelter and she has been a part of this family ever since. We are not the Benzens without her. Cinder has turned my husband into a dog lover, so much so, we had our Christmas pictures taken with her. She completes our entire family. The acceptance of a dog is like nothing I have ever seen. She knows when I need a snuggle and she knows when to get out of my way. Mostly, I just want to snuggle her.
4. Candy Crush. Hell to the Yeah.
5. A good book. I am on the third Hunger Games book and I don't get a ton of time to read, so when I can't put it down...you know it is fabulous! I love to read. I love books. The smell, the sound they make when you open them, the turning of pages. So thankful for books.
6. Magazines. I subscribe to six or seven magazines. Some for me, some for the kids, some for the business. Yes, I have an iPad, but there is something about the tangible. I love that. I love the simple things still. A magazine, writing a letter to my grandma, putting in a disc in the DVD player....consider me old school 32.
7. My home. We live in an older, stucco home and she is SOLID. I generate safety from my house and "she" truly is a home.
8. Mr. and Mrs. Darwin Nelson. They started out as teachers back in High School, but I can honestly say that they are truly friends. Friends that the kids consider "GandG Nelson." Friends that I can call on when I have a question about business or life. They are friends, but more so, they are family. We love them. So thankful for the Nelsons. So thankful.
9. Snow! I love winter, I love the snow...but I hate to be cold. Let me repeat this...I HATE to be cold! I LOVE the snow though! It is so beautiful. One of the true gifts from God.
10. My brother and sister. Older and Younger and I am stuck in the Middle. I have learned so much from both of them. Very thankful for my siblings.
11. Chocolate and Coffee and Carbs and Chips and Ice Cream...I am so thankful for FOOD! I love to eat!
12. Thankful for the passion to cook and being blessed with the ability to be fairly good at it. There is no greater joy than providing for your family through food....andy my bestest friend Josh....
13. I am a stay at home mom. Everyday I get to do what I love.
14. My husband has two jobs. One full time and one part time and I guess you could consider the on-call one too! Blessed and thankful for employment!
15. HALF WAY!
16. Technology. I love TV, Movies, my computer, iPad, the kids Leap Pads...I know when to turn it off, but it is so nice to have.
17. Heat. This time of year it is the little things to be truly thankful for. My family has so much when others have so little. I am thankful for never being cold or hungry.
18. Finances. My husband and I have finally gotten a "strong-hold" over our finances over 8 years of marriage. No better feeling. No credit card debt and the truck is almost paid off. To finally have control is an amazing feeling. It took a change in attitude, but I am so thankful that we are finally there and we did it together!
19. My mom and dad. What would life be like without my mom and dad? So boring. We have weekly meals together, they are so amazingly awesome to my kids and they have never questioned it when we needed help. My mom and dad are such a gift to my family and they bring us all absolute joy. Trust me, never a dull moment when we are all together!
20. Reliable vehicles.
21. Having a husband who is blessed with the gift of song. He is so amazingly talented and I am thankful that every day I get to hear that gift. You are missing out if you haven't heard him sing. I am very biased :)
22. A college education. Yes, I am a stay at home mom, but my time at Bethel has and never will be wasted. I have a love for learning that can never be extinguished.
23. My in-laws. Always accepting and loving to myself and my family.
24. Faith. I have a faith in God that will not waver, no matter what the circumstances.
25. Friends. True friends that have stuck by me through everything. I am very guarded and choosy with who I let in my life, so to have this select few that has stuck with me, by my side...is such an amazing gift.
26. CindyBlue Designs. What would I do without my small business?
27. My grandma. There is nothing I can say that I have not already said about her. Such a truly fantastic woman, with undeniable class and grace.
28. My grandpa. He was taken too soon, but the memories I have of him live inside. So thankful for the memories.
29. Rainy Lake. Where the memories start and where the memories will end.
30. Passion. Passion for photography. Passion for love. Passion for everything I do. Passion that gets me through.
Marianne
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Our New Normal? Life as a SWAT Family.
I didn't really know what to expect when my husband would be called out for the first time. It is a waiting game. Waiting for the warrant to be signed. Waiting for the word "go." To anyone else, this may not seem like a big deal. Family caught word that there may be a "call out" and all they could say was "it's gonna be so awesome!" After that, all I heard was guns and blah, blah, blah.... People forget that this is my life. My husband is not just a man on SRT or a dispatcher, firefighter, or EMT...he is my husband and the father of my children.
Forget awesome. You just said guns and awesome in the same sentence. Thats all I heard.
My brother-in-law is a cop. He has trained for everything my husband is doing. My husband is a medic for SRT. He is not a gun slinging, handcuff handling, taser wielding police officer. He is a bandaid bearing, emergency kit carrying and blood clotting professional....who has to wear a bullet proof vest. I trust the men who are covering him. I trust the training that my husband received at Camp Ripley and trust that God will protect the men when the call does come out. What I do not trust is the unknown. The not knowing factor and the unpredictability of others.
So the next time you want to talk me and IN FRONT of my kids about how awesome it is. Think twice. I support my husband 100% in everything he does. I love his passion and live for that. The support doesn't remove the fear. This is something I am learning. When he was a worship pastor at a church, you didn't really have to worry about any of these issues. As time goes on it will get easier. I am excited for the experiences that will be presented to my husband but I am still a wary wife who has a lot to learn about trust, faith, and remembering always who is in control.
Road-Trippin
Two weeks ago, I was lucky enough to road trip from Minnesota to Colorado with my sister-in-law, Nora and my best-guy-friend, Josh. This was a HUGE adventure for me! I had never left my husband or my children by myself before, but I did it, and it was AWESOME!
I had been to Colorado once before to visit family but that was before Ross and I were even married. The mountains did not disappoint...absolute beauty! My good friends, Nancy and Gary, own a mountain home in Crystal Lakes, about one hour from Fort Collins, and the views are something I will never forget!
We enjoyed hiking, watching snow move across the mountains, fireplaces and wine, catching up on some reading, lots of laughs, "neat" nature, and an interesting flight home. Looking forward to my next trip away, hopefully it doesn't take me another 8 years to leave my husband and kids!
Check out some of my pictures!
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
One Word: COFFEE!
That's right. Give me coffee and no one gets hurt. Funny thing is, it never used to ALWAYS be like this. Before I had kids, ew...coffee was gross. Give me a Coke and I was good. Then Natalie came. Sweet, colicky, didn't want to nap, Natalie. I started to drink coffee less than a month after her birth. I needed it. I craved it. I haven't gone back. If anything, I have gone to the dark side. How dark?
I have a Bunn Coffeemaker. I have a Cuisinart Grind and Brew Coffeemaker. I have a Frappuccino Coffeemaker. I have an Espresso Machine. I also buy my coffee beans in bulk from Costco.
- We take coffee drinking very seriously in my house. So much so, my husband has joked that he wished there was a way to hook an IV up to my arm and insert the coffee that way, before I even get out of bed. Personally, I don't think I am THAT bad.
- My son knows that when the coffee maker beeps, he comes and tells me "coffees done, momma, your coffee is ready." Good boy.
One of his first words was Caribou. Smart boy.
Some people have addictions to porn. Some are addicted to food, shopping, gambling, or the like. I literally have an addiction to coffee. Not the best answer to migraines (so my doctor informs me), but I guess it could be worse!
Remember...Coffee before Talkie...ALWAYS!
Marianne
Another...Five Facts You Didn't Know...About ME!
Let's keep the list going...
- I am a Disney fanatic! I love Disney cartoons! This started when I was young and just never stopped. I think they are fantastic!!! Somedays I feel like I am a 10 year old in a 32 year olds body. My cousin Sara and I would ALWAYS act out scenes when we were younger!
- Sara and I
- I have an uncanny ability of memorizing lyrics to songs. You play some Ace of Base or TLC and I start singing along like it was 1995!
- Back in the Day...circa 2000...not 1995
- Food Network is my friend. Give me an episode of Chopped, Cutthroat Kitchen, Next Iron Chef...I will be a happy girl. I like TV...no...I LOVE TV and movies!
- In 5th grade, I took 3rd place in our schools spelling bee. It wasn't first or second....but what the heck! I placed!!!!! The word I got wrong? Anniversary. I have never spelt that word incorrectly since.
- Finally, I am a stomach sleeper
**Bonus Fact! I used to own a white rat named Abigail. There you go!
This now ends the TMI portion of Staying Grounded in Faith and Family! Have a great day!
Marianne
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